I sometimes watch my cat watch drops of water, drip from the sinks in our home.
Sometimes I turn the sink on a little, and hope that entices her to come.
All so I can watch her watch the drops.
I don’t really know why I enjoy it so much, or if I enjoy it at all. I just know it’s interesting to me that after so many water drops, she still doesn’t understand that they’re uncatchable. But she keeps trying.
Every time I round the corner and see her in the bathtub, she has that same face.
The one that says “Ok. Today you’re mine.”
Just as determined as her first day of trying.
Some zen buddha master would probably tell me something like:
He’d be right.
Catherine’s onto something.
She’s a smart cat.
The other day, while she was attempting to chomp at the drops, I stood there thinking “A Cat Watching Water, what a great name for the story of my cats life.”
And then I thought...
“or how to describe the past few years of my life.”
My face instantly changed to displeased mode.
I feel like I keep swatting at finding a job, feel like I’ve caught one, but then it just falls through my fingertips. And then some time goes by and the seasons keep changing, and there I am, in my own proverbial sink, showing up everyday, to try and catch water drops.
Looking for work can indeed resemble a cat chasing water, but it can also fuck with your head.
And that’s where I’m at.
When you are someone who has a lot to offer this world, but no ones biting, you begin to think you’re busted. Like an old toy destined for Goodwill.
Everyday you have to wake up and tell yourself “you’re worth it” and have a five minute meeting with yourself about how you’r not going to wail in front of your empty inbox or write up contracts to God, explaining what you’ll bring to the table should he decide to throw you a fucking bone or two.
“You are so talented, I don’t understand how you’re not a millionaire by now” are sentences I hear, that truly make me want to search for a loophole within my own inner conscience, that states:
“You’re not a bad person if you smack dumb people.”
On my bad days...
“You are so talented, I don’t understand how you’re not a millionaire by now” sounds a lot like, “You are really awesome and poor.”
Really Awesome and Poor, now there’s a title for the story of my life.
Awesome or not, ya still gotta show up to the sink, and hope that someday soon, you'll catch the uncatchable.